You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
