Soap is not a condiment
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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