you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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