positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
