Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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