he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
