Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
