You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
