My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
