i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
