How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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