I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
