were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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