i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
