walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
im calling her cock vulture from now on
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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