I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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