So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
