Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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