I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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