Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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