So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
