I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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