I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
