What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
