Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Thank you for not boning my boss.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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