i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
