I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
