Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
