Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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