somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
