I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
