last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just want to make out with him forever
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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