I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
