Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
