I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
