I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
