last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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