We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
