I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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