i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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