Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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