I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
