I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
