Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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