The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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