I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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