nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
