my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
