i'm signing you up for texting rehab
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
