He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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