I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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