Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
