After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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