Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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