Your mouth is God's brothel.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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