what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Slut skills are useful in every country.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
