I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
