I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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