he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
