Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
