my being single is dangerous.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
