bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
