I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
